A list of things about Riku (KH)
Jul. 27th, 2006 03:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ciirceeGod damn, but I am loopy when I'm tired. Found this in my notebook as I was transcribing my Bang*Bang entry. Inspired by something or other in Meg's journal.
Three Things About Riku That Are Absolutely True
He doesn't have a tragic past. In fact, both his parents are alive and well. They don't spoil him rotten and they don't ignore him.
His childhood is perfectly free of skeletons and monsters in the closets.
He really is just that much of a prick.
Ten Short Conversations About Him That Riku Has Had To Stand There And Listen To
"Hi, I'm Sora! And this is my friend, Kairi, and my other friend, Riku!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry."
"Remind me again. Why am I friends with him?"
"Because you like his eyes and you think he has a cute butt."
"And you're friends with him because…?"
"I like his keyblade!"
"Hey, Sora brought Riku with us."
"Oh, god, hide the silverware."
"I don't know how you stand him."
"Huh? Riku's nice. Really!"
"Sora, he beats you up for your lunch money."
"It's his money. His mom gives it to me while he's still eating breakfast."
"If he insults anybody or starts a fight, all three of you are getting kicked out."
"No, no, he won't! See! We just shove food in his mouth every time he opens it and then he can't talk."
"Do you mind if he pukes in your bushes?"
"Kairi? What's a 'boner'?"
"…what?"
"A boner! Riku says if I keep dancing like this he'll get one but he won't tell me what it is."
"…"
"He's not always like that. Honest!"
"Yeah, no, normally he's really sweet and kind and gentle and…you're not buying this, are you?"
"You're not getting a room. We've got a reputation to maintain."
"So…wait, he's gay for me?"
"No, Roxas, he's gay for part of you."
"Like my ass?"
"Not quite."
"I thought you said he was friendly."
"He is. If you feed him enough beer."
"Sora, Riku is a mean jerk. A prick of epic proportions. An egotistical bully. A cynical, sardonic basket case."
"I know. We can save him anyhow, right?"
Eight Things Riku Has Never Actually Done
He's never jumped off the highest point of the cliffs right into the ocean, despite what he's told Sora. The highest point of the cliffs above the oceans have a lot of rocks and beach between it and the water.
He's never played a practical joke on Tidus to make Tidus think he's wet the bed. That was Wakka.
As much as he never quashes the rumor, he's never killed a rampaging wild boar with his bare hands.
He's never seen a wild, rampaging boar—charging straight at him or not.
Even though he's said he has, he has not, in all actual fact, kissed a princess. With tongue.
He's never eaten sixteen paopu fruits in one sitting. He got sick after eight and threw up in the bushes.
No matter what anybody says, he's never been blind, stinking drunk.
He's never said that he never cries. He just changes the subject if it ever comes up.
Two Ways in Which Riku is a Big Fat W00bie Retard
"Hey!"
"Riku! You can't steal Kairi's books! She's sick!"
"Can't stop me!"
"Can so!"
"Oh, let him be, Sora. He's only going to hide them in my room again, anyhow."
"Ow! Riku, that hurt!"
"Don't be a baby, Sora, I only pushed you over."
"It still hurt!"
"Baby!"
"Riku!"
"Come on, I'm not going to bite you. Seriously, I'm just going to help you to your feet."
"…Riku? Why are you still holding my hand?"
Three Things About Riku That Are Absolutely True
He doesn't have a tragic past. In fact, both his parents are alive and well. They don't spoil him rotten and they don't ignore him.
His childhood is perfectly free of skeletons and monsters in the closets.
He really is just that much of a prick.
Ten Short Conversations About Him That Riku Has Had To Stand There And Listen To
"Hi, I'm Sora! And this is my friend, Kairi, and my other friend, Riku!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry."
"Remind me again. Why am I friends with him?"
"Because you like his eyes and you think he has a cute butt."
"And you're friends with him because…?"
"I like his keyblade!"
"Hey, Sora brought Riku with us."
"Oh, god, hide the silverware."
"I don't know how you stand him."
"Huh? Riku's nice. Really!"
"Sora, he beats you up for your lunch money."
"It's his money. His mom gives it to me while he's still eating breakfast."
"If he insults anybody or starts a fight, all three of you are getting kicked out."
"No, no, he won't! See! We just shove food in his mouth every time he opens it and then he can't talk."
"Do you mind if he pukes in your bushes?"
"Kairi? What's a 'boner'?"
"…what?"
"A boner! Riku says if I keep dancing like this he'll get one but he won't tell me what it is."
"…"
"He's not always like that. Honest!"
"Yeah, no, normally he's really sweet and kind and gentle and…you're not buying this, are you?"
"You're not getting a room. We've got a reputation to maintain."
"So…wait, he's gay for me?"
"No, Roxas, he's gay for part of you."
"Like my ass?"
"Not quite."
"I thought you said he was friendly."
"He is. If you feed him enough beer."
"Sora, Riku is a mean jerk. A prick of epic proportions. An egotistical bully. A cynical, sardonic basket case."
"I know. We can save him anyhow, right?"
Eight Things Riku Has Never Actually Done
He's never jumped off the highest point of the cliffs right into the ocean, despite what he's told Sora. The highest point of the cliffs above the oceans have a lot of rocks and beach between it and the water.
He's never played a practical joke on Tidus to make Tidus think he's wet the bed. That was Wakka.
As much as he never quashes the rumor, he's never killed a rampaging wild boar with his bare hands.
He's never seen a wild, rampaging boar—charging straight at him or not.
Even though he's said he has, he has not, in all actual fact, kissed a princess. With tongue.
He's never eaten sixteen paopu fruits in one sitting. He got sick after eight and threw up in the bushes.
No matter what anybody says, he's never been blind, stinking drunk.
He's never said that he never cries. He just changes the subject if it ever comes up.
Two Ways in Which Riku is a Big Fat W00bie Retard
"Hey!"
"Riku! You can't steal Kairi's books! She's sick!"
"Can't stop me!"
"Can so!"
"Oh, let him be, Sora. He's only going to hide them in my room again, anyhow."
"Ow! Riku, that hurt!"
"Don't be a baby, Sora, I only pushed you over."
"It still hurt!"
"Baby!"
"Riku!"
"Come on, I'm not going to bite you. Seriously, I'm just going to help you to your feet."
"…Riku? Why are you still holding my hand?"
