The Arashi mpreg fic!

[ciircee]

So a few of you might have heard me mention 'the mpreg fic'. This would be it.

I recently told waxrose that most of my writing works only because I try really hard to live up to the standard set by the authors I love. This is mostly true. It's completely untrue that I try hard all the time. Case in point: this fic. This is just because there are days when I am retarded and easily amused.

Sometimes I think I have too much time on my hands. :D :D :D



Yes Sir, He's Having My Breakdown

Jun was reading the style section of Sho's newspaper when Ohno came shuffling in sleepily, slouching worse than usual. "How long's it been?" Ohno asked nobody in particular.

"Since what?" Sho asked.

"How long has what been?" asked Jun at the same time.

"You look terrible," Aiba said kindly. "When's the last time you slept?"

Nino glanced up from his DS. "About six weeks," he said. He saved his game, closed his handheld, and shifted a bare inch in his chair. "So…you think you might be, huh?"

"Might be what?" Sho wanted to know.

Ohno wedged himself into the space that Nino had opened and tucked his head against Nino's chest. "I definitely, definitely am," he yawned.

"Are what?" asked Jun. He suspected that he wasn't going to like wherever it was this conversation was going.

"You look like you could use a nap, Leader," Aiba went on cheerfully. "You should really have a nap."

"Are you throwing up?" Nino asked. "Should I get you some crackers?"

Sho went pale. "Throwing up?" he demanded.

"No," Ohno answered Nino, snuggling into him a little more. "I'm just tired and have cravings right now. I really want some ginger."

"Probably a girl then," Nino said. Jun watched as Nino kissed Ohno's temple and then wriggled out of the chair. "I'll go get you your ginger."

"A girl?" Jun thought it was a mark of how much very much he did NOT like where this conversation was going that he was hoping Nino was talking about a woman.

Ohno oozed into the space that Nino had vacated, looking wan and tired. "Mmhm," he mumbled, closing his eyes and nosing into the cushion. "With Kinniku Home Run I threw up all the time."

Aiba draped his jacket over Ohno. "You're glowing," he said, kissing Ohno's cheek sweetly. "Now go to sleep for a little bit while Nino gets the ginger." He pet Ohno's hair gently.

Jun was sure that Ohno smiled before actually falling asleep. "Nobody in this band is pregnant," Jun told Sho and Aiba (and Ohno's dead-asleep body).

---

"MatsuJun," Toma pulled him aside after a 'meeting' of No Borders. He looked a little worried.

Jun leaned back against the side of the restaurant and let Shingo take his cab. "Yeah?"

Toma scrubbed a hand over the back of his neck. "Is…," he hesitated and then shrugged lightly to himself. "Is something wrong with Ohno?"

Having seen Ohno just a few days ago, looking chipper and stuffing his face and talking about fishing, Jun frowned. "I don't think so. Why?"

"Nino showed up on the set the other day," Toma shoved his hands in his pockets and scuffed a shoe over a crack in the sidewalk. "He sort of…fawned…over him."

Jun passed a hand over his eyes. "Really, it's normal for Nino to touch his butt all the time and act like a limpet." It didn't seem to put Toma at ease. "And when Ohno hides behind Nino and kisses his neck that's just…it's not normal, I know, but it's normal for them."

"No, I'm used to that," Toma said and Jun experienced a moment of absolute despair for the company as a whole that Toma said it so casually. "No, it was kind of weird. He kept getting Ohno snacks and drinks and fanning him and asking him if he felt okay and he made him take a nap."

"Well, that's—" Jun started.

"And he kept rubbing Ohno's stomach."

"—because they're morons," he finished. "Ohno is not pregnant."

Toma nodded. "Okay. Well, I just wanted to know. It was weird."

Jun pushed away from the wall. "You don't know the half of it," he muttered. He stepped to the curb and flagged a cab. As he was getting in he heard Pi join Toma.

"So, did you find out what's up?" Jun heard him ask.

"Yeah; Nino knocked Ohno up again," was Toma's answer.

"Oh." Pi sounded thoughtful. "Well, that'll be nice."

Jun buried his face in his hands and did not tell the driver to take him to Nino's so that he could murder him.

---

Jun kept an eye on Nino and Ohno after the NB dinner and, to his disgruntlement, Toma was right: Nino's usual attentions in Ohno's direction had increased to ridiculous levels. However, it was also easily ignorable since it was mostly a lot of fetch-and-carry and inappropriate touching and Jun was used to that.

Mostly.

"How are you feeling today, Oh-chan?" Nino asked solicitously, shutting off his game without prompting and going immediately to Ohno's side when Ohno turned up for Shukudai-kun taping. He helped Ohno take his shirt off and rubbed Ohno's exposed stomach before helping him put the shirt from wardrobe on.

Ohno shrugged into the second shirt that wardrobe had sent for him and appeared to ponder Nino's question closely. "Fat," he said at last.

"I think you look cute with a little belly," Aiba said loyally.

Jun kicked Aiba, making him yelp. "You're not fat," he said to Ohno. "You're lucky you're gaining back some of that weight you lost earlier."

Nino studied Ohno critically as he handed him his mike-pack. "Yeah, Aiba's right. You're getting a cute little belly on you."

Ohno patted his still flat, still six-pack abs and looked mournful. "It didn't start this early before," he said.

"You're not getting fat," Jun said.

"Well," said Sho judiciously, not even looking up from his newspaper, "the second time around you pop earlier. That's just the way it is."

"Ohno is not pregnant," Jun said loudly, even though nobody was listening except the AD who'd come to give them the countdown call and Ogura, who was right behind her.

"Congratulations," Ogura said, patting Ohno on the shoulder. "I'm told that motherhood is a blessing."

---

Jun kept waiting for Nino and Ohno to do something with the 'pregnancy'. The first time during the tour that they'd done the Ohmiya SK skit, Jun had swapped solo slots with Aiba just so that he could watch from the wings. But nothing had happened beyond the usual goofy skits and songs.

It was making him a little edgy.

Especially since the tour was winding down. Jun sat on a box backstage and watched Nino jog out to the stage while Ohno darted off. He could see, in the shadows just out of the audience's view, his bandmates pause beside each other. Nino's hand drifted out and touched Ohno's stomach and then he was gone and Ohno was coming his way. With his hand on his neck.

"Something wrong, Leader?" Jun asked, getting up from his seat.

Ohno smiled at him. "No—thanks," he said to a passing staffer who handed him a bottle of water. "Just taking my pulse. If it gets too high it's not good for the baby." Fingers still pressed to his neck, Ohno upended the bottle and drank in long, breathless swallows.

Jun sighed. "You weren't like this last time, you know."

"Well," Ohno lowered the bottle and frowned at him. "Taka is pretty lax about those sorts of things. It's no wonder Home Run turned out to be a baseball, really." He shook his head sadly.

"Leader!" Aiba was sprinting towards them, a towel in one hand and another over his shoulder. "Sit down, sit down! You should be resting as much as you can." Aiba pressed Ohno down to the seat Jun had vacated. "You sit and I'll dry you off, okay?" Aiba tossed the towel in his hands over Ohno's head and put the other around his neck before scrubbing vigorously at Ohno's hair.

"He's not—" Jun started.

But Aiba cut him off, giving him an icy look over his shoulder. "Shame on you, MatsuJun. You shouldn't let him exert himself like that! You should make sure he takes his breaks properly while he can."

"Twenty minutes ago he and Nino chased each other around the entire circuit of the stage and I didn't see you complaining then."

"That was work," Aiba said primly. He put a protective arm around Ohno's shoulders and stood up with him. "C'mon, Leader, wardrobe has your next costume laid out for you already."

"Is it the one that makes me think of pineapples? Because it makes me want pineapples when I wear it."

"I'll get you some pineapple," Aiba promised him, leading him away. "MatsuJun, sound needs to check your headset," he called over his shoulder.

Jun sighed and headed for the sound guys.

He didn't have time to think again until he was settled in at the hotel, staring up at the dark ceiling above his bed. "Sho?" he asked softly.

"Yeah?" came Sho's sleepy reply.

"Ohno isn't pregnant. He can't be. You know that, right?"

There was a rustle of bedclothes and then Sho spoke again, clearly giving him the cold shoulder just by the tone of his voice. "It's a little late for him to not be pregnant."

Jun put an arm over his eyes for a moment and then shoved his blankets off and got up. Nino's room was just across the hall. "I hate you all," he said when Nino answered his pounding knocks.

Nino yawned blearily at him. "You wanna sleep in here?" he asked.

"I—" Jun paused and then sighed. Sho's teeth-grinding was always worse when he was in a pissy mood. Even a fake one. "Yeah, all right."

"'Kay," Nino held the door open for him and then lead the way to the bed. "Move over, Oh-chan. MatsuJun is sleeping with us." He was scrubbing at his eyes in the low lamplight. "Gonna be a tight fit for all four of us," he mumbled, crawling into the bed as Ohno flopped over with an incoherent mutter of his own.

Jun rolled his eyes but got in on Ohno's other side anyhow.

---

By the time they got five months into Ohno's pregnancy Jun had given up on insisting that it wasn't real. Playing along wasn't so bad, at any rate. Nino, Sho, and Aiba beamed at him when he went with it and Ohno had kissed him on the cheek the time he'd said that he'd definitely felt a kick that was not—oh, no, absolutely not—Ohno's Mega-Mac and nori fries from McDonald's.

"It's nice," he said softly. He was lying on a battered couch in some anonymous greenroom in some studio, on break from filming both a promotional video and an AU commercial.

Ohno was with him, not yet needed for either shoot, curled up next to him breathing warmly into Jun's chest and doing something with his cell phone that Jun was pretty sure was going to end up as either a photo or a text message to Nino. "What is?" he asked, pausing for a moment in his fiddling.

Jun petted a hand over Ohno's hair, missing the fried blondness but liking the smooth feel of his dark hair anyhow. "You being pregnant," he said, petting again. "There's a feeling to it that's kind of…nice." Jun thought privately that it was something about having a completely stupid inside joke, sharing it with the people you loved best, that explained it but there were also times when he almost forgot that Ohno wasn't pregnant with his and Nino's mutant child and that, too, was a nice feeling. He would never have said it out loud to anybody but Jun sort of liked the idea of doing something impossible just because you loved somebody. It explained a lot about Arashi.

"Ah…" said Ohno. He eased away from Jun and sat up. "Well, that's a problem."

"What is?" Jun stayed where he was, stretched out on the sofa, feeling his heart rate pick up. He was going to kill somebody if Ohno denied the baby now. "What's the problem?"

"I'm about to be not pregnant," Ohno announced, stuffing his phone in his pocket and standing up, heading for the door. "Let Nino know, okay? This kind of can't wait." He settled a hand over his stomach almost absently. "Really, today is a tight day to be getting a kid. I guess it can't be helped, though."

Jun stared at Ohno as he left. "But you're not…" he said as the door closed.

He was still staring at it when the other members of Arashi breezed through it not more than a minute later. "We're breaking for lunch," Sho announced. "Where's Satoshi?"

"I—" said Jun. He stopped, frowned, started over. "He said he's going to get the baby."

"What?" Nino yelped, spinning to the door. "When did he say that? When did he leave? He's not getting our kid without me!" His phone was already in his hand as he darted out of the room.

Aiba bounced on the balls of his feet. "If they're having the baby now, does that mean I can have Nino's lunch?"

"Nino!" Sho yelled down the hall after him. "Nino, we still have filming! We've only got an hour! Get Satoshi and get back here."

Jun looked at Sho. "Where do you think they're going?"

"I have no clue," Sho groaned, leaning back against the door. "I guess we can stall if we have to but I just know it's going to lead to rumors of bathroom sex again."

"It won't, it won't," Aiba reached out and patted Sho's leg, a set of chopsticks in his hand. "You worry too much. Come have lunch. It's prawns. We can talk about baby gifts. I got a blanket—it's yellow because I'm not sure what they're having. I hope it isn't something wet."

Jun slid down to the floor next to Aiba and pulled a bento box over to himself. "I can't believe I'm saying this but I kind of wish Ohno was still pregnant."

---

"Are we late?" Nino's head poking into the room nearly made Jun's heart stop.

Sho was the first one on his feet. "Nino." In Jun's opinion, Sho sounded more worried than upset. "Where were you?"

"Getting the kid," Nino shrugged. "Who let Aiba eat my lunch? Captain, we're going to have to share. Aiba ate mine again."

"You were getting the baby," Aiba justified himself. "Where is it?"

"Right here," Ohno said, shuffling into the room as Nino held the door for him.

Jun's heart really did stop for a moment. "What…?" he croaked. Ohno was cradling a blanket-wrapped bundle in his arms and it was moving fretfully, soft snuffling sounds emerging from the folds. "Oh, god, tell me you did not get an actual child from somewhere," he said.

"Forget telling Jun, tell me you don't have a real, live baby in there," said Sho.

"Eh?" Nino blinked at them. He turned and pulled back a fold on the blanket. "Just our kid," he said.

"We're gonna spoil her rotten," Ohno said happily as a tiny, buff-colored kitten head butted up against Nino's hand. "I'm going to make her some toys and there's going to be tasty food all the time." The kitten turned in Ohno's arms and then stood, nudging up under his chin. "You like that? You're going to be a spoiled kid! Tasty food all~ the time~~! Because Oh-'tousan likes to fish!" Ohno said, nuzzling the kitten's nose with his own while Nino looked at them fondly.

Jun looked at Sho. All of this, he thought, for a cat? Sho wasn't looking at him, however. Sho was—in true, totally-weak-versus-babies fashion—staring at the kitten. "Cute," he said, stretching out a hand and letting the kitten bat at his fingers. "Cute," he said again as the kitten caught one and licked it. "Look at those tiny paws!"

"You couldn't have waited to pick it up later?" Jun asked.

Nino gave him a slightly abashed smile and a shrug. "Satoshi's sister's friend promised us first pick of the litter but we've been busy and today she had somebody else coming to look. They're Abyssinian kittens so they go fast."

"She's cute," Aiba said, carrying over the remaining bento box. "Here, Captain, it's prawns today. You should eat because you're up next."

Ohno shifted the kitten in his arms and then turned to Nino. "Here," he said, in a voice that made it clear he was talking to the cat rather than to the person. "Go to Ni-'tousan."

Nino accepted the cat but then immediately shifted to hand it off to Sho. "Go play with Uncle. Ni-'tousan wants to eat too and Oh-'tousan has the last lunch."

Aiba grinned at him even as he sat down with Sho, wriggling his fingers down the collar of Sho's shirt to tempt the kitten into playing. "You never eat a whole lunch anyhow. Who's going to watch her while you work?"

"Well," Ohno said around a bite of rice. "We're going to visit Nino a lot but she's mostly going to be living at my house so my mom can look after her while we're busy. She'll be here in a little bit to take her home while we finish shooting."

"Like me, huh? A grandma's-kid." Aiba nodded.

"I would commit honorable suicide if my kid turned out like you."

Jun looked at his bandmates, sprawled comfortably around the room. Ohno and Nino were shoveling food into their mouths because they had no time to slow down and eat properly. Sho and Aiba were sitting shoe-to-shoe with their legs framing out a play area for the kitten. The kitten, tiny and wheat colored and mewing as it pounced, was gamboling between them, chasing their fingers. Jun shook his head, amused and amazed all over again at the turns his life took and the things he took in stride thanks to Arashi.

"What?" Ohno asked, cheeks bulging.

"…" said Jun and he realized that there just weren't words some times. So instead he asked, "What's her name?"

"We're naming her 'MatsuJun'," Nino answered promptly, snickering wickedly under his breath. "She's got a pink collar at home and everything."

"You are not going to accessorize her badly if you're naming her after me," Jun told him.

---

"Want to see pictures?" Ohno asked, wandering sleepily into Jun's dressing room, slouching as badly as ever. "Nino took them last night when Jun-chan slept at his place."

Jun held out his hand and, when Ohno handed him the cell phone, flicked through the pictures. The kitten was a little bigger than she had been the last time Jun had seen her but was still wearing the leather-with-gold-accents-and-faux-ruby collar that Jun had bought for her. "She's five months old now?" he asked, grinning at a picture of the kitten sleeping on Nino's face.

"Almost six," Ohno yawned, leaning against Jun and looking at the pictures with him. "She's got an appointment with the vet next week to get a microchip put in and her baby-making bits taken out. I don't want her to get lost," he said at Jun's look, "and Nino doesn't want grandkids."

"Makes sense," he allowed.

Ohno smiled at him. "I'm going to find breakfast and let Sho see the pictures. Nino refused to upload them for him last night."

"Satoshi," he stopped Ohno before he could leave the room. "Why didn't you just say that you and Nino were going to get a pet together? Why the whole pregnancy thing?"

"Well, we only decided to get Jun-chan when my sister mentioned that her friend had some kittens. So maybe a month before we got her we said 'hey, let's really get a kid'. Mostly it was just something fun to do."

Something…fun… Jun passed a hand over his eyes. "And just how was it all going to end if you hadn't got Jun-chan?" he asked. He had a bad feeling about the answer.

Ohno tilted his head, considering. "With a baseball bat, I think. We sort of wanted somebody for Kinniku to play with."

"Naturally," Jun muttered as Ohno waved and left.

Aiba bounced in a few minutes later as Jun finished putting on his VS. track suit. "Hey, hey, MatsuJun," he said, putting his arms around Jun's neck. "Leader brought in baby pictures."

"I saw."

"You know, I was thinking that we could have a kid together. It could be a cousin for Jun-chan!" Aiba dropped a kiss on his cheek. "Your sister has a lot of friends so it'd be easy for you to get pregnant, right? We could get a puppy."

Jun wrapped his arms around Aiba's waist. "I'd rather start small. How about a baseball bat?"

"A baseball bat?" Aiba raised his eyebrows skeptically. "Why a baseball bat?"

"So that I can beat you to death for suggesting that I fake a pregnancy and have a baby with you, of course."

"…" said Aiba.

"I think that would count as mother-son bonding," Sho announced from the doorway.

"Watch out for Jun-kun!" Aiba yelled down the hall as Sho took off running with Jun in hot pursuit. "He's very moody when he's pregnant!"

"Pregnant Do-S coming through!" Sho shouted as he skidded around a corner and Jun's hands closed on air.

Jun ignored all the laughing—Sho's, the staff's, his own—as he rounded the corner too. "Nobody in this band is pregnant," he roared.

He had a feeling that nobody was going to listen.



ETA: So, having watched the 24hr TV drama (yes, I cried and yes, I was mocked for it) I have to say that my very most favorite part? Is this:

Aya: I'm pregnant.
Hayato: *spits hotdog*
Circe: Lol!

Comments

[jamasunda.livejournal.com]

XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
♥♥♥♥
Oh Ohmiya ~♥

[sheranino.livejournal.com]

Oh Lord, this one is sooooo funny!!!!!
Had a great time reading it.
I wish i can have a kitten too....

[soft-rain11.livejournal.com]

Lol, pregnant DoS!

[arashi-sugoi.livejournal.com]

LMFAO XD THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST HILARIOUS FICS I HAVE EVER READ ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ You are most definitely a genius for writing this xDDDD I had wayy too much fun reading this xDD

Favorite line:

"I think that would count as mother-son bonding," Sho announced from the doorway.

LMAO SHO ♥ xD

[arashi-sugoi.livejournal.com]

Oh and this of course:

"Jun passed a hand over his eyes. "Really, it's normal for Nino to touch his butt all the time and act like a limpet." It didn't seem to put Toma at ease. "And when Ohno hides behind Nino and kisses his neck that's just…it's not normal, I know, but it's normal for them."

"No, I'm used to that," Toma said and Jun experienced a moment of absolute despair for the company as a whole that Toma said it so casually."

xDD

[blufox-o7.livejournal.com]

I want Ohno with a small belly. Nao. ♥

[pnutbutterkelly.livejournal.com]

...
*whacks head off desk repeatedly*
What was that...?!
Well, whatever it was, it was amazing. XD